#6 Anything Remotely Related To Jam Bands. Who Does That?

Experimenting with Jam Bands in high school and college is normal. But becoming the person that graduates from UVM and starts following Umphrey’s Mcgee across the country–while leaving a trail of ambiguous Facebook status updates–is not normal. Buying Under The Table And Dreaming in 1994 was cool. Freaking out over a white lighter at a String Cheese Incident concert in 2011 is not cool. 

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#5 Your Mom Now Being Aware Of Jay-Z, Because She Watched Him On Charlie Rose. Who Does That?


In the 1970’s, in the South Bronx, elements of Funk music and Jamaican Dancehall music merged; after a period of calibration and adaptation, a new genre of music was born: Hip Hop. For a while, Hip Hop was categorized as a trend. Hip Hop was just a mild movement in music, nothing serious.

 But Hip Hop had tapped into something. It allowed a voice to be heard. A voice that distilled complex socioeconomic clatter into metrically pointed rhymes. Hip Hop had power.

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#4 Throwing A Party. Who Does That?

Parties are an important part of a person’s social calendar. The best way to have a vibrant and busy social calendar is to become a drug dealer. A party is an event in which 75 people leave 3000 half empty beer cans in somebodies apartment. There are three ways to have a good time at a party: talking, dancing, and reckless gin consumption. Some parties have dress codes. The most stylish thing to wear to a party is a patina of cocaine sweat. Some parties have themes, the two most popular themes are: The Lapse In Judgment Party and The None Of My Plans For Tomorrow Will Come To Fruition Party. Occasionally, the host will put on  airs and call the party a Cocktail Party. This adds a level of demure respectability to the proceedings. A Cocktail Party is when you do cocaine and chew on a glass cup instead of a plastic cup. Read the rest of this entry »

#3 While A Film Based On A Cormac McCarthy Novel Is In Theaters, People Choosing A Different Cormac McCarthy Novel To Read. Who Does that?

 Cormac McCarthy writes books about the high profundities of man in a bare, godless world. There are no quotation marks when characters speak. His sentences are short. If the word Faulknerian was not an adjective there would be no way to describe his books. He is best friends with Oprah.

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#2 Getting Way Too Much Mileage Out Of Information Gleaned From A Footnote. Who Does That?


  The following footnote appears in Eliot’s The Wasteland.

 “308. The complete text of the Buddha’s Fire Sermon (which corresponds in importance to the Sermon on the Mount) from which these words are taken, will be found translated in the late Henry Clarke Warren’s Buddhism in Translation (Harvard Oriental Series). Mr. Warren was one of the great pioneers of Buddhist studies in the Occident.”

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#1 Old People Inadvertently Triggering Existential Crises In Young People By Watching Everybody Loves Raymond. Who Does That?


Everybody Loves Raymond was an American sitcom that ran on CBS between the years 1996 and 2005. The show detailed the life of Raymond Barone, as he tried to balance career, growth, and relationships.

Everybody Loves Raymond achieved great critical and financial success during its run. The reason behind this was the broad, demographic appeal of the show. Raymond’s over-bearing and boisterous parents,Frank and Maria Barone, were his next door neighbors.

“Wacky next door neighbors” are a common troupe in sitcoms. Often the situational comedy derives from the main character trying to adapt to the impositions of their eccentric neighbor. This troupe was dated and tired by the time Everybody Loves Raymond hit the air. However, the genius of Everybody Loves Raymond is that the writers subverted the “Wacky next door neighbor” troupe, by making Raymond’s neighbors his parents. This gave the writers the ability to examine and critique family life. It also led to old people watching the show.

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